date: 8.30.24 12:12am
subj: i have to be at work in 7 hours

i want to get back into painting when i move out, so i tried a little painting today inspired by (mimicked) this art by parker parrella. i'm not any good at coming up with my own ideas so i am just a master of copy paste. also remembered when working w acrylic paint, mix all colors first if you're thinking about blending anything. cus duh, acrylic paints dry which is nice for layering but less so for like fluffy trees or clouds. anyway i do literally have work in 7 hours and i have to shower too so really i'll be up in like 5-6 hours. haven't decided what my sweet little treat is going to be tmrw cus the 1 cup of coffee i had at work today about took my ass out. i felt like garbo all day



date: 7.25.24 11:37pm
subj: what is 30 minutes in the face of eternity

this was just an excuse to post this sketchbook piece. inspired by this art and this art. i have theoretically all the time in the world to learn how to do art again. i have gauche, acrylic, water color pens, pens, etc. etc. etc. and 5 million unfinished sketchbooks. i also want to get into airdry or baking clay trinkets too. but probably not till we get a new place. anyway, the work:



date: 4.8.24 10:16pm
subj: if i could blow up the sun i would



the last time i wrote in my paper journal was only like 6 days ago so i'm not feeling much other than uh today was the eclipse!! the last one we'll see like this (in the us?) till like 2040 something. i honestly didn't remember what it was like in high school, so im glad i went to grab lunch and was intrigued enough by the large crowd to go look. i literally told noah i didn't believe it was happening but he let me look in his glasses so it was actually shocking to see when it was doing its thing. tmrw! i have to turn in my homework, pay off the electrical bill, and present to kids... maybe message my boss (boo). ALSO, it was isaiah's and i's 1 year anniversay yesterday so i suppose that's worth mentioning ;). thanks for still checking on this page goober, i love u. anyway im gonna go watch like an ep of one piece after i fix the rest of my links and then probably not touch this till im graduated. peace and love tho.



date: 12.14.23 1:21am
subj: done w semester 7

i am very tired. i want to pick up fixing this blog up over winter break. how are can relearning html and css be? (i am dreading it) I think it would still be cool to have all the things i've ever liked in one place. like my own personal internet archive. i also want to start painting again. i'm hoping i get some gauche(?) paint for christmas and that'll muster up the patience to finish the howls moving castle painting i started like 2 years ago or i will never finish it ever. anyway, the subject of this entry was supposed to be about the end of my second to last semester of college, but i'm just scared for the future just as anyone else might be. i just need to make it thru one more and hope that everything will work out for me and all of the lovely people around me (particularly isaiah cus he deserves it). anywho.... also need to find a new interest to obsess over soon or i'll die i think. love u all lots :3
also unrelated but like every egg punk band cover is so fun love it





date: 9.12.23
subj: sorry 4 being gone

hello farts, i was literally only inspired to get on this blog again because im going to a school tmrw to teach kids about coding in video games. so this is like significantly different but still enough to make me interested again (no promises i will work on that interests page tho lmao). anywho only one more obsession has really occurred while i've been gone: totk!!! loooooove it. i have near 500 korok seeds and thats all i read need to finish other than the final ganon fight (and the bowl cut guy, find one well, find the rest of the korok seeds, find the rest of the special fits, find the other sage wills, and upgrade all the armor ahahha). i wouldnt really put it over botw but still really good, i just like completing tasks and i can't wait to see the ending. also i started my last year of undergrad so that blows. deciding whether i want to get a masters degree or not is very bad for me cus like most of them are research based but i've 10000% i dont wanna keep doing that but all these structural engineer positions like "recommend" having a masters degree. so i really wanna work at hgm to get my masters (2.5 years) then if i dont like it there move. but i also just dont want to work there because i think my dad or others will think i took the easy way out. like guys im really trying to look at other options too just this feels like a fair plan, i just dont know how it would work logistically but whatever. have to take to an advisor ab that. anywho feeling better after reading some of my older, shitty feelings. still scared for the future but it'll be okay :)



date: 4.5.23
subj: idk i feel like crying

sorry ive been gone. the only person who reads this is isaiah, so hi isaiah. actually dont read this but whatever.

i dont have any art and i dont really remember how to add pins to this page. one day i will relearn how to make pretty webpages but not right now. i think im about to cry over nothing. i just feel so bad all the time. dont get me wrong. its great with you but i just cant do it when im alone. i hate doing homework i hate doing work for work i hate talking to other people i hate asking for help i hate stressing about nothing. i feel so anxious all the time. i feel so angry all the time. i lost my entire wallet. im an alcoholic. i cant tell my parents. everyday when i get home i want to do nothing. i want to do nothing all the time. but it never feels good to do nothing. i dont even enjoy doing the things i should enjoy. i miss making art. i miss updating this website. i miss being able to binge watch a show without falling asleep. im just so mad. ive been meaning to write but i knew it would just come out like this. like garbage. i just dont have anything productive to say but i dont want anybody to ask me productive questions. i think im gonna stay up too late doing nothing and feel the same way as i do tomorrow. i know it will get better at some point. im just hoping one day i dont feel like this everyday.



date: 1.29.23 10:01am
subj: midlife cannibal crisis



its just so upsetting to me even when im not under the influence i am stupid. i do stupid things. i make people uncomfortable. i thought i could blame my problems on substance abuse which granted has been the root cause of most things but why am i a bad person no matter what? it makes it so hard to want to do anything. i thought i was doing okay but im not a good person either way so its really throwing me for a spiral. i feel like crying. i am crying about it. there's so much else i need to unpack right now but i cant do it.



date: 1.24.23 12:49am
subj: my favorite colors are red and blue
sometimes i feel like im faking it. that all my feelings im feeling are made up and that therefore they are invalid. i know that's not true but truly how can i feel like this everyday @ one point or another. it doesn't feel like it should be real so therefore it cant be and i am lying to myself.




(^o^) <3



date: 1.18.23 1:00am(ish)
subj: other thoughts
im feeling okay. i need to get my appetite back real soon. i also would like to have my sleep schedule back to normal (what is a normal sleep sched??). i already wrote my stupid little feelings in my stupid little notebook so i think that's helping but really i just wanted to share how ive decided after i write something in there i want to redraw something from my art inspo board in hopes that my creativity will come back n i'll be able to imagine things on my own again one day. but anyway i have to remind myself everyday i think that things aren't going to change over night and that's okay. everythig will be okay eventually. there's like at least one more issue i need to address personally but im really sure if im ready to do that. that one might have to be a therapist talk but i dont really think i'll like what they have to say ab it. anywho isaiah, if you ever read this or still read these (selfish of me to think you would but for my own peace of mind), im setting a written bondary which is dont :) or if you do just dont tell me unless for some reason i get really bad but i think that'll be reserved for my stupid journal. anywho it will be okay. i will be okay. i love my friends dearly and i will be better for them.



date: 1.13.23 7:47pm
subj: otw to wichita
what's up losers. i'm writing this on my notes app rn. i wanna be shot on site like anywhere anytime. we're on our way to wichita for a baby shower. i never want a baby. i'm too selfish to take care of something that came out of me. heck, i don't want anything to come out of me. sounds, looks extremely not cool so i'll pass. anywho the vibes? terrible. absolutely horrendous. how can i sit in the living room and feel like i'm like on fire. heart on x games mode cus she's so anxious. i really did try to bring it up. not very well but i just, ya know, i tried. and being ignored as if i'm an ethan type character hoooooo boy ouch. i get it, you work, you're tired. maybe i just didn't say it loud enough for u to hear it. it took some courage on my part or at least i thought. i don't know. there just doesn't feel like there's anything else i can do except confront the problem straight on and if you don't want to talk ab it, i will be in my room this sem. which is probably good for you and me and isaiah i don't know. i'm not excited for this sem. granted i never was but now i'm uber not. not excited for my birthday. not really looking forward to much. isaiah, you better download tinder so i can go to therapy. there's not a good way to end this. so hasta luego turds



date: 1.4.23 10:02pm
subj: ur blog post
i thought writing something would make me feel better, but the words won't come out. its so empty up there. i feel like puking. i know im a terrible person and i know what i did was wrong. i dont know how to fix it. i dont know how to be better. why would i do that. why would i do that. there still aren't words. they're just not there. why am i not satisfied if im not self sabotaging. i am a terrible person.

typing this entry up sucked cus i had to put on my glasses. i cried ab how i couldnt see. truly i am a self-centered bitch. why can't i put how i feel into words.



date: 1.3.23 3:46am
subj: new year or whatevs
starting the new year wickedly silly. as in 2nd date went so awesome n slay except i make ppl so uncomfortable i should not be allowed in public. but hey the ramen was really tasty. anywho if u ever look at this, im sorry. but i had fun regardless. but forrealsies tho, happy new year!! im not super excited for the new year. i wish i had something big to look forward to or felt like i had some goal i was working toward. excited for the new zelda game to drop. i want to be a better person too, but ya know i dont really know how to be. we'll work thru that when we get there. im terrified of the future actually, so i generally avoid thinking ab it, take it one day at a time i suppose. maybe my new years res can be to only rot in bed on saturdays.

happy 2015!!



date: 12.28.22 4:48am
subj: literally and actually losing my marbles
isaiah told me i should go to therapy today. girl mf wtf would i start talking ab. my deep rooted desire to impress other because i was judged in child sports or cus i have zero parental issues except i can't actually tell my parents anything without anticipating disappointment or disapproval. heebiejeebies, got off track. anyway im excited to go, just nervous, could rip my hair out at any moment. never let em know ur next move.



date: 12.22.22 11:23pm
subj: first entry
first online entry i guess. now that i have like a base home page i think it'll be a little easier to make the rest of the home sites. i think the last one i'll do will be either love (obsessions) or distortion (music). cus the love sections involve their own separate pages for each obsession. like i can't wait to do the omori one. im gonna learn how to do themes so i can make one white space and one headspace. im gonna have a kirby space so i can set it up like a tv and link it to the kirby anime. i cant wait. for the music i gotta look into it more but if you wanna know what i want it to look like check out errormine's jukebox. anywho i think i might go find old entries i've written and add them but they might be a little too cringey for here but if no one is gonna look, who cares, right?



date: 12.15.22
subj: laying in bed (old)
writing in pen because i used all of my pencils. why don't i do the things i enjoy? why do i not text people because im afraid? why do i lay in bed for hours, not even enjoying a much needed nap when there's nothing left to do? why haven't i applied? why do i feel like im not good enough? why do i feel so stuck? why do i feel like this??? someone needs to yell @ me or punch me in the nose. i feel awful. i don't know why. im so tired



date: 11.07.22
subj: boobs (old)
boobs. my boobs. sometimes i wish they weren't there but not in a trans way but in a it would be more convenient if they were gone. but i love my boobs. i think they're cute. i wish someone would appreciate them but not like that. idk. i feel like crying. really bad.